A bright light

There are stories about your brothers’ conceptions. Tales of exotic(ish) places and travel.

Rest assured little one, you were not conceived in an outhouse. Although a train-wreck of a wedding speech bonanza that would have made.

I have wanted you for so long. Three years to be exact. Since the younger of your oldest brothers was only 7 months old. But biology and circumstance and ‘life’ had other plans, of the crippling panic attack variety to be exact. And when the storm had finally passed. When the worst of the terror and fear and darkness had lifted the little seed that is you was still there but I was afraid it wasn’t yet light enough for you to flourish.

So we waited.

I had a third pseudo-baby, my photography business, hoping that it might fill the void.

It didn’t.

I had conversation after conversation with friends and acquaintances and some nearly complete strangers.

While cradling a newborn baby in a quiet moment during a session this summer I talked about my desire for three with a mother (and grandmother) of three. She watched me quietly and then looked me in the eyes and said very softly “you’re not done”

She was right.

And here you are. At least the chemical evidence of your existence.

Unlike your brothers I wasn’t at home with your dad anxiously awaiting the results. After two negative tests I figured you weren’t quite ready for the magnitude of existence but on a whim I tested one more time and there you were. Ironically your arrival in our lives happened at the same moment as my next clients so there was no immediate celebration. Just a quick drying of eyes hidden behind sunglasses.

I emailed your dad the picture and got a phone call shortly afterwards.

“I told you so!!!” (he’s not often right so when he is I let him gloat)

I don’t know much about you. Just like your brothers you’ve made me nauseous and exhausted. My hips already ache. You were with me when I ran my first half-marathon and so I’m going to say you’re tough and persistent if you managed to hold on through that trial of persistence and pain. You like french fries and orange juice, neither of which I’m usually partial to. We both really like apples. If you’re as intense as the emotions I’ve experienced in the last 12 weeks we’re in for an exciting life together.

You are loved more than willl probably ever know. And the light that you bring to our already bright life blinds me and brings me to tears.

Tagged as: my points of view, ottawa mom blog, ottawa parenting blog, pregnancy, third child