I was sitting by myself on a quiet (read: all boys out of the house) Sunday afternoon catching up on my blog reading when I came across a guest post on a peek inside the fishbowl about table manners. There were several comments about proper utensil use and the difference between European and North American customs but I got hung up on the thought ‘you’re so lucky your kids use forks!’
Now I realize her daughters are much older than my boys and that one day we’ll reach civility at meal time but right now that day seems so very, very far away. Instead of fork grip and utensil placement I’m left distracted by merely surviving meal time with my sanity intact. Meal time with a 4 year old boy, a 6 year old boy, and an infant means a whole different set of rules:
1. Use your utensils. At this point I don’t care if you brandish them like weapons. Just stop eating everything, yogurt included, with your fingers.
2. Please let the dishwasher do it’s job. I appreciate your efforts to keep our eating area clean but please refrain from licking the table, bowls, and plates. We paid good money for that dishwasher and I want it to earn it’s keep.
3. Do not spit food. There are too many fruits that are small and round, which makes them perfect projectiles. Do not spit grapes or peas or any food at your brother. Yes I see you didn’t spit it this time (onto rule #4)…
4. Don’t throw food. Don’t throw it on the table because you don’t like it, at your brother because it’s funny, at the cat (hoping she’ll eat it). Please just keep your food on your plate.
5. No science at the dinner table. I don’t want to see what happens when you mix potatoes with milk nor am I curious to know how many peas you can mash onto the table cloth in 30 seconds.
6. Milk is not a condiment. Don’t dip food in it.
7. No screaming. I realize you don’t like it, I realize it’s not your favourite, I realize you would rather eat cookies. Please don’t scream as I’m 2 feet away. Also, see rule #8
8. You don’t have to like it to eat it. I don’t like putting away laundry, cooking, cleaning toilets, and a host of other things but I still do them. You eat as many bites as your years of life and I will appreciate that you tried it. You will not die. Chicken will not kill you.
9. Meal time is not a game. I realize that seeing just how many times you can get mom and dad out of their chairs and back to the kitchen may seem fun but there’s no trophy to be had.
10. Meal time is not a contact sport. Do not kick your brother under the table, my laser vision can see right through the melamine table surface. Do not kick the cat; you know she’ll bite your toes and it’ll hurt.
11. Clothing and linens are two separate things. Please use a napkin or paper towel or Kleenex or a wash cloth or anything other than your shirt and pants to wipe your fingers. I’d also really prefer that you not use my pants (or the cat) to wipe your hands.
I grew up in a house where meal time was quiet. There were placemats. Quiet communication. Food wasn’t thrown. I was also an only child.
My expectations for meal time are based on my childhood but my experience as a mom to three boys is quickly teaching me that my meal time reality is very different.
12. Meal time is family time. When mommy looks like she is about to burst a blood vessel, stomp her feet, or shout, lean in and tell her you love her. And if you’re feeling particularly charitable put your fork down quietly and wipe your hands on a napkin before hugging her. She probably needs a reminder that you’ll remember this meal time silliness for the rest of your life.
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
Love this! Too funny! I see that although my girls are almost the same age as your boys your mealtimes are wayyyy different than mine. (not that the girls are perfect, just different challenges!)
We do have ‘civilized’ meals (in my books) most nights but I find once they get started with one thing, like kicking each other, it just spirals from there
I like the idea of taking bites for every year of your life. With only one eating meals and the other sampling items at 6 months old, I can already see that our meals will not be quiet times. I’m looking forward to the events to come. Great post!
The whole ‘if you put it on their plate X number of times they will eventually try it’ is a big old fairy tale in our house. If we left it up to the monkey to try the foods we eat at least once (heaven forbid actually eat them on a regular basis) he’d eat nothing but applesauce, bananas and pasta. With the four bites there’s no argument about ‘all, some, most of’ since it’s so concrete and because he has to try everything every night he’s actually discovered (shock!!) that there are some foods he likes.
hehehe…I read her post too, and was thinking the same thing!! Except we don’t have the siblings beating each other up yet or throwing food at each other
I’m not sure if part of the challenge is that until Grade 1 started the boys were together for 21 meals and countless snacks a week. That’s a lot of time to ‘be creative’ at meal time when it comes to entertainment.
I often consider dinner a success if the children actually stays seated in their respective chairs for the entire meal! It’s not like we’re eating five, four, three course meals. It’s just dinner. Doesn’t happen often enough, although it is getting better.
I forgot about that one! It’s a good night for us if DH *and* are I both at the table since one of us normally ends up holding, bouncing, jiggly baby duck
I almost thought this was going to include things not to put in your mouth =)
FOOD! That is the only thing you put in your mouth. I repeat that one again and again and again
I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve said “Is it food, drink or your toothbrush? No? Then get it out of your mouth!”
I too read the post over at “a peek inside the fishbowl” and thought, hurray! I’ve a thing for etiquette though I’m all about age appropriate skills and picking your battles.
I love the “one bite per year of life” rule . . . fortunately the Little Man is not a picky eater and is always willing to give new foods a go – and really there’s very little he won’t eat. That said, this is genius and I’m holding it reserve for future use.
The whole milk as a condiment thing (insert water in our home because of allergies) is a daily battle – what is it with boys and their need to dunk food in their drinks?!?
Lastly, the use of a cloth, napkin, etc. is a huge issue here, though more so with mouth wiping than hand wiping. The Little Man has ruined countless shirt collars by swiping his mouth with them – so much so that the rule in our home is one strike and you’re out! There’s a reminder at the start of a meal but if clothing is used to wipe hands or face, it comes off right then and there. Which works wonders for us because for some reason our newly 6 year old is horrified by the thought of eating shirtless or pantless.
13. No naked bodies at the table.
This was an issue when the monkey was 2 and (let’s be honest) 3 and really even at 4. Unfortunately both my kids would be happy to eat their meals buck naked. Last year I instituted a ‘no naked body parts on furniture’ rule after finding too many naked bottoms on our couch, bed, office chair…you get the idea. Good grief our house sounds uncivilized!
Just tonight I made 5 table rules, including using forks, napkins and not eating like pigs at a trough.
And no dessert until everyone can follow the rules, grown ups included!
Five is good. I think we might have too many to remember!
I’m right there with you on all counts!! This could be our house. I’ll add a 6.1: Do not put your hand in your milk. I’m not sure what the attraction is or whether you think something different will happen this time, seeing as you got the same result when you did it last night, and this morning at breakfast, and again at lunch. I do, however, enjoy your delighted squeal of surprise each time, as if to say, “Whoa! Check it out! The milk is dripping off of my fingers! Who knew??”
YESSS!! Why do they insist on shoving their entire fist into their cups?!?