It’s unfortunate that what precipitated this post was a sobbing accusatory moment that happened between the firefighter and I on Friday. He thought I was in the office with his brother (I was) and proceeded to whack his other brother over the head with a train control and then shove his sobbing sibling over as he stormed past (with a kick thrown in for good measure). He thought I wasn’t watching but I’d headed back out into the play room when I heard the frustrated scoffing that proceeded their scuffle.
“Why are you so mean?” I cried. In my defense I’d been awake at 2. Then 3. Then 4 (with the firefighter). Then 4:30 (with the firefighter). Then 5:30 (with the firefighter). Then 6:30 (with baby duck). We were both sleep deprived and the kick was the match that lit the pyre of exhaustion into massive ceiling licking flames.
But then I realized there was no defense. He’s the kid, I’m the parent.
I cried and I stated how very frustrated I was that he wasn’t sleeping, even though he’s exhausted, and that he’s mean to his brother (and rude to me). That he’s mean to him when he thinks I’m not looking. That he laughed at me when I cried. In all fairness these moments are rare and his laughter was more than likely shock (ever giggle during a funeral?) than anything.
We spent forty five minutes apart. Me with his brother wrapped tightly to my back sleeping. Him upstairs alternately thumping the floor and peering through the banisters at dragon lady to see if it was safe to return.
It wasn’t.
I ranted to my husband (instead of my son). A friend chose the perfect moment to call and offer commiseration and support. Baby-wearing saved us in that moment because I didn’t want to wake up his brother so I was forced to wander quietly through the house and think. It’s also really hard to seethe with anger when there’s a baby breathing softly on your neck.
The quandary: the firefighter is waking up between 4 and 5 in the morning. Over the course of the last 10 days he’s woken up more than twice at 3:30 and been unable to fall back asleep. He is not getting enough sleep and is exhausted. We’re not getting enough sleep and we’re exhausted. The only person who is getting enough sleep right now is the monkey and 1/5 is a sad-ass ‘good sleeping’ ratio to have in your house.
We have adjusted his bed time in both directions and it hasn’t helped.
We’ve let him sleep in another room by himself and that didn’t make a difference.
We’ve increased (and then decreased) his activity levels thinking he was too busy / not busy enough. Still no change.
We have taught him to tell time which he can now do with 100% accuracy. That’s only increased our frustration since we know he can tell exactly when he’s leaving his room.
We’ve laid with him in his bed and our bed. He prefers to lay alone.
We’ve taken away electronic devices before bed and in the morning (so there’s no incentive to get up early). He’s quite happy to play by himself with other toys for two hours.
We have addressed the challenges he was facing at school and things are improving. He’s making new friends and I keep volunteering once a week.
We haven’t made any changes to our diet or routine.
We have put a gate at the top of the stairs to stop him from sneaking downstairs without one of us knowing. He just wakes us (or his brother) up instead.
We have exhausted our list of usual ‘good sleep hygiene’ habits and now we’re desperate.
And bloody tired.
To balance out my crap parenting moment I devised a new strategy. I let my husband know he’d be picking up an iPod nano on the way home. Then I started scouring the Interwebs for recorded meditations that were suited to children, especially boys. I reached out and asked others to suggest any guided meditations they’ve used with kids.
Then I sat down with the firefighter and apologized for my crap behaviour. I explained that he was mean to his brother because he’s tired and that I was mean to him because I was tired and that in either case it’s not okay for either of us to act like that but that I’m the grown-up and I need to show him that it’s not okay to treat people poorly, even when you’re tired. I explained what our new plan was and how it’s going to help. That it might take a while but that he’s really good at sleeping (he really is) and that eventually his body will be able to fall asleep at 3 in the morning as easily as it does at bedtime.
It’s unfortunate that what precipitated this post was a sobbing accusatory moment that happened between the firefighter and I on Friday but I’m hoping he remembers the calm after the storm rather than the burst of lightening that started it all.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Aww, Sara hugs to you!! You’re SUCH an amazing mom. Honestly, I think I probably emulate the crappy skills you’re describing on a regular basis, since I always seem to be sleep deprived
You’re my role model in patience 
I hope my husband doesn’t read this because he’ll laugh at the ‘patient’ bit
I have moments of extreme patience interspersed with moments of frustration and ARGH! I know how I want to parent and most of the time I can practice what I preach but there are days (and moments) where I think ‘really, that’s the best you could do?!?’
I keep reminding myself that one day I’ll have to drag them out of bed in the mornings…
IMO, even these crappy parenting moments are a great teaching tool. They still show our children how to and when to admit you were wrong, how to apologize and how to resolve conflict. Nice job behaviour modelling, the bad and then the great! I also think it is important for our children know that we also have breaking points;) If they never saw you loose it, they would not know how to manage those feelings. We cannot control their feelings but we can show them how to process them, in a humane manner;)
I can only hope some good came of the whole episode because I hate feeling like that. There has definitely been an improvement on the sleep front and I think he understands a little better now how important sleep is (mommy who doesn’t sleep = crabby mommy). He’s still not sold on the guided meditations and ‘sleepy stories’ but he’s listening to his iPod every morning so that has to mean something!
He’ll remember the good. Don’t you worry. I just put a meditation app on my 11yo’s ipod touch. He often wakes up in the night. He usually just lays in his bed, sometimes wanders around the house (sometimes plays games or watches vids on his ipod GRRR). I put the app on his ipod a few weeks ago and and showed him what it was. He wasn’t interested. And then two nights ago his Ipod was in his suitcase (he had spend a night away) and he was desperately looking for it. He had started using the app and it was helping. Hugs. I know how hard it is to have a kid who has trouble sleeping. It is not fun at all.
It’s hard because I have the same problem that he does: my brain gets going and it won’t shut off. But I have sleep deprivation on my side, which means my brain is too tired these days to cause problems
He’s been listening to the iPod every morning and in 10 mornings he stayed in bed until 6:30 at least 5 times which is a huge improvement over our 4 am wake-ups!
Hmm, that ipod and meditation is another idea I could borrow from your coat tails. My oldest is a champion sleeper, if she has trouble falling asleep its always some scuffle with a school friend. My youngest is up for hours, wanders out of her room to play hours after bedtime.
Hope it works out. Recorded stories might be nice too for him.
He’s still asking for Harry Potter and we said he needed a month of practice with the sleepy stories before we downloaded the fun stuff
Ride away my friend, ride away!
Hugs!!! You did nothing wrong, in fact you are searching for answers to help firefighter instead of ignoring the problem! Sleep deprevaion is hard on everyone… Patience clearheadedness and sanity are sometimes not possible. The iPod idea is awesome! I’d also suggest teaching him to do guided meditation. Is it possible he is having anxiety issues related to school or something else? Maybe talk to your doctor for more advice/referal. Nice also heard of parents using melatonin to help reset sleep for kids/adults but I’d discuss it with your doctor first. Hang in there!
You’re the second person to suggest melatonin so we’re looking into that as well. Most of the things I downloaded for him are guided meditation – I found some great ones that are geared towards boys and we’re referring to them as ‘sleepy stories’. He really likes one of the ones about a magical tree house. He’s had several days now of staying in bed until 6:30 (not necessarily sleeping but at least still in his bed) and even woke up at 7 one morning!
Guided imagery not meditation duh
Growing pains!
I can’t tell you how many times I have had to apologize to my children for something crappy I said out of frustration or sleeplessness. They remember when you tell them you were wrong and sorry for what you said.
My first child never slept through the night. I let her listen to lullaby tapes (it was when we had cassette players – not iPods). I put it next to her bed, so she could turn it on whenever she needed to. She just had to stay in bed until I told her it was time to get up, which was a set time, so she knew what to expect. It worked for us.
Our second child slept through the night from the time he was six weeks old. I was so grateful.
Right now the monkey is our only reliable sleeper and I imagine once we get the firefighter sorted out the monkey will develop some strange habits or patterns
I hope he appreciates my apologies or at least can see that parents make mistakes and have to say sorry too. I keep telling him that I do the best I can as a mom but that there’s no book or school for doing this so I’m learning as I go too.
I love that little bundle on your back.
My heart goes out to you, Sara. The days with little ones are hard enough. I’m glad you thought of a way to help your firefighter relax, and hope it is successful.
Thank you
The little bundle has turned out to be an excellent parenting strategy: I won’t yell when I have a baby on my back, which makes for a lot more peaceful witching hours around our house because that’s normally when I have him strapped to my back. It’s a good reminder that I need to parent all three boys gently and not just the littlest one.
You’re a great mom, Sara.