There is a suburban phenomenon that I have tried (and subsequently failed) to understand: why do people with dogs walk the aforementioned dogs and allow them to use another person’s lawn as their dumping ground?  Why, when you have your own front lawn and back lawn, do you insist on walking your dog several times during the day (and night) and allowing them to shit on my lawn where my children play?

There is an Internet phenomenon that I have tried (and subsequently failed) to understand: why do people leave comments on blog posts that serve no purpose other than to be unkind?  Why, when they have the whole wide Internet to explore and discover, do they insist on sharing their vitriol somewhere where they clearly don’t want to be?

They manufacture these nifty little plastic bags for scooping poop and there’s also a handy little invention that I’ve shared below:

If you don’t like what you’re reading, feel free to use the ‘back’ button and crawl back into the dark hole from which your crawled.

Source: technology rocks. seriously.

I can be as mean-spirited, sarcastic, judgmental, and unkind as the next person but I certainly don’t fling my mean-spirited, judgmental, and unkind shit on other peoples lawns.    This comment was the perfect reminder that trolls leave behind just as much shit as neighborhood dogs.

Feel free to disagree.  Feel free to wildly disagree and even tell me why you think I’m (really) wrong.    But if your dog shits on my lawn I will place it on the street so you can be reminded on your way home that I don’t appreciate having to clean up other people’s messes.  And if you don’t like what you’re reading I also have no problem removing your shit from my blog because I don’t appreciate sarcastic tripe being deposited on my space on the Internet.

I’ve learned a lot since I became a mom seven years ago.

I can make a delicious and nutritious meal that no one under four feet tall will eat

I can make the sting of a cut disappear with a magical kiss

I can catch bodily fluids with my hands

I can breathe calmly and snort in anger at the same time

I can name 90% of the vehicles and equipment on any construction site we pass by

I can accept help even when I think I’m doing just fine

Thanks to the kindness of other mothers, we have not had to resort to eating crayons in the last two and a half weeks.

Two and a half weeks ago I shattered a baby gate and my foot.  I went from a multi-tasking mama of many to a one-footed gimp restricted to one level of our house.  For that first week I was given strict instructions to stay off my broken foot: no weight bearing whatsoever.  And the laundry, cooking, cleaning, baby-soothing, homework-wrangling, chauffering, bed-time ninja mom of three was supposed to do what exactly?

My husband, an equal parent in every way, is amazing but he is just one person.   His role as father/mother was further complicated by his wife, who is a lousy patient.  So not only did he have to work and fulfill both our roles he also had to contend with a wife who was doing her very best not to throw her remaining marbles in every direction and stomp her one good foot in protest.  Most of my moments were filled with gratitude that it was only my foot.  These moments were of course interspersed with incredible frustration when I’d start to say “I can…” only to realize I couldn’t.

I couldn’t carry my baby.

I couldn’t get up and down the stairs except on my bum.

I couldn’t carry food (or anything for that matter, unless it was in a bag strapped to my back)

I couldn’t go to my 4 year old when he was frustrated/angry/not listening

I couldn’t help with bath time or bed time

I couldn’t clean or tidy up or take my baby to change his diaper

***

I am part of several online communities and when one of the mom’s offered to start a meal train for me I didn’t respond right away because my initial response was “we’ll be fine” I thought  to myself: there are families facing worse health crises.  There are families with no relatives near by who could use the help more than we could.  There are families who have less money than we do.  There are 14 reasons why I should say no.

Thankfully my more rational and mature mama self intervened and reminded me:

Someone will always win the ‘my life is harder’ comparison game.  You are living your own reality and entitled to feel what you feel about it.  You’re feeling overwhelmed and like you need help.

So I said yes because there were 14 reasons to do so.

Fourteen families have fed my family in the last two and a half weeks.  We have been fed muffins, cookies, pot pie, raw vegetables and dip, cheese, fruit, pasta and meatballs, banana bread, hummus and vegetables, soup, eggplant parmesan, pot pie, bagels, chicken a la king, and berry pie.

Bags have been left on our door handle, packages delivered from the other end of town in a literal meal train of mom’s.  Dishes and meals left on our counter, stacked in the fridge, and bags of the most delicious muffins my kids have ever eaten, have been stacked in our cupboards.

The only downside: my kids will never again eat my muffins.

How do I convey the gratitude I feel?

Some of these women I’ve met in passing.  Others are lifelong friends.  Some I’ve never met face to face and others are former clients.

Thanks to them my husband could focus on my kids, who were confused and unsettled by the turn of events that left their mom unable to mother them in the way they’re used to.

Thanks to them I could focus on healing instead of worrying about feeding and taking care of my family.

I will thank each and every one of them but I will also repay their kindness by paying it forward to other families ‘s in need.  When someone else needs help I will offer what I can.  I now know that when you need help it’s hard to ask but that it’s much easier to say yes when it’s offered.

From my family to yours

Merci

Mahalo

Danke

Gracias

Terima Kasih

Arigato

Asante

Efharisto

Kiitos

Toda

Takk

Obrigado

Salamat Po

Thank you

I knew this was coming.  Despite the fact that I nursed my oldest son into toddlerhood and that I take breastfeeding photos as part of my business, my baby is now 11 months old and the questions come as quickly as he grows:

“How long did you breastfeed?

As a photographer and mom of three I meet a lot of new parents. A lot of those new moms (and dads) ask about breastfeeding:  Did I have any problems?  Is it hard? Those questions, often asked tentatively and with curiosity (sometime desperation) I answer honestly.  If I don’t have an answer I will share resources that I have or make suggestions about who they can talk to.    The question is loaded with confusion and trepidation and my answer is as honest and as full of hope and information as I can manage.

“When are you going to wean him?”

My answer: “I plan to nurse him until you’re really uncomfortable with how old he is.  We’ll definitely stop before he goes to college”

Does this educate people about the myths surrounding breastfeeding that exist in North American culture?  No

Does it open a dialogue about why breastfeeding toddlers and even children is normal? No

Does it educate people about the fact that the World Health Organization recommends nursing children at least until the age of 2?  No

Does is help someone see a different perspective and that perhaps their narrow view of breastfeeding is detrimental to nursing mothers? No

Does it help people understand how detrimental formula marketing is to women trying to establish a breastfeeding relationship?  No

It doesn’t do any of these things except stop a conversation that I have no interest in having from going any farther.  The question is loaded with judgment and my answer is loaded with snark.

I do my best to answer patiently and with the intent to educate and open dialogue but I’m also a tired mom of three who sometimes just wants to answer their question with another question:

“When was the last time you had sex with your husband?”

“Why do you let your six year old dress like a street walker?”

“When are you going to lay off the booze?”

“Are you going to declare bankruptcy again?”

Except I never would because those questions are inappropriate, judgmental, and disrespectful.  But as a mother of three I sometimes get fed-up with the fact that parenting seems to be one of the single areas in life where we openly question, judge, and condemn people to their face.

There are people who have asked me the same question about weaning several times over the last few months.  They’re engaging in what I refer to as the ‘wishful thinking’ tactic which is used by my 4 year old: ‘if I ask the same thing in many different ways eventually I’ll get the answer I want’.  I will not justify my nursing relationship to anyone, especially someone who asks the question repeatedly as a form of judgment.

There are people who tell me that it will be detrimental to my intimate relationship with my husband.  That I need to reclaim my breasts for sexual purposes.  My body has breasts for biological reasons; sexual pleasure is secondary and primarily a social construct.  Also my breasts are my own; they do not belong to my baby or my husband.  Nor do I comment on your breasts so I’d rather you leave mine out of general conversation, unless you have something nice to say.

There are other mothers who judge me for judging them for not breastfeeding even before I’ve opened my mouth.  They assume that because I breastfeed I am judging them for using formula. I’m not.  I exclusively breastfed my first and third babies and my second was supplemented with formula.   All I can say is “I’m not” but you should read this post because Annie says “I’m not” in a much more eloquent manner.

Do you think it’s gross or ‘wrong’ that I’m still nursing my 11 month old?  That he still nurses between 5 to 7 times a day?  Would it bother you if I was still breastfeeding my two year old or two of my children at the same time?  Do you think I should cover up or just stop nursing all together?  You are more than entitled to your questions and feelings and judgments but please recognize that they are yours beliefs and not facts or truisms.  I am doing nothing wrong, inappropriate, or gross by continuing to feed my baby.  I am meeting his biological and emotional needs.  As a mother I have made a decision that is in my best interest and his best interest and you may disagree but you need to respect my choices.

“How long did you breastfeed?”

I’ve nursed babies for 3 years of my life

 ”Did you have any problems?”

Like the latching, bleeding and cracked nipple, agonizing variety?  Yes, plenty

“Is it hard?”

Like everything with parenting, it’s a learned skill.  For one baby there was nary an issue.  For another there was horrible pain.  For another many tears (for both of us) and weeks of hard work.

“Was it worth it?”

No one has ever asked me this and I suppose whether its worth it will depend on what breastfeeding means to you.  I only wish I realized how worth it it was the first time around.

“When are you going to wean him?”

Rest assured that we are not saying goodbye to our nursing relationship any time in the near future so you can stop asking me when I’m going to wean him.  Be warned that if you ask, depending on the day I’m having, I may have an equally judgmental question to ask back.

My nemesis:

We installed the gate in the big boys room to protect their baby brother from the LEGO and itty bitty Playmobil pieces inside.  It was self-closing, which meant we didn’t need to rely on them to close it and was quickly installed in their door frame without major alterations or hardware:

Win.

Forgetting about the wooden lip at the bottom and failing to step over said lip while rushing out of the boys room resulting in a shattered foot AND gate:

Fail.

That’s my foot, safely ensconced in an air cast and elevated.  See the crutches to my right?  I’m going to be on those for four weeks.

In my spectacularly clumsy fashion I was racing around getting the kids organized after our caregiver arrived last Thursday when I collided with the gate.  The blinding pain was the first hint something was wrong but the toe pointing 45 degrees to the left was the clincher that I would probably need to get it checked out.

The only saving grace?  It was my left foot so I could drive myself to the doctor’s office.

Thankfully my doctor’s office took me an hour later and I hobbled in and explained how two of my toes had ended up on opposite sides of the bottom of the baby gate resulting in the, literal, parting of ways.  An x-ray confirmed a clean break of my middle toe and one of the doctor’s gently buddy-taped my twisty/bendy toe to it’s straight neighbour.  The next x-ray revealed that I’d also managed to break the joint of the same toe.

Did I mention I’m an overachiever in all areas of life?

“So crutches and a walking cast?” I asked.

“Well definitely crutches but no walking”

“But it’s just a toe!” I responded.

“Unfortunately no weight bearing for at least a month”

“Like none?”

“None”

“But it’s just a toe!”

“F***”

Both of those last responses belong to me, not the lovely doctor who repeated “no weight bearing” at least five times before I swore.  The nurse practitioner who was in the room and has known me since I was pregnant with the firefighter had never heard me swear.

Telling a mother of 3 AND a photographer she can’t walk for a month warrants a F***.

I was greeted at home by my husband (still shaking his head at the shattered mess of a baby gate) and message from my doctor’s office: the radiologist had taken a look at my X-rays and wanted me to go straight to the hospital to see one of the orthopedic surgeons.

This was met with one of many F***’s of the day.

My husband fed me, I fed the baby, and then my dad dropped me off at the emergency department where I was brought to the plaster room.  I read, I Facebook’ed, I twittered, my phone batteries died, I was hungry, I was bored.  My friends accused me of going to extreme measures for some alone time.

Five hours later my husband arrived, with the baby, and dinner.  I’m sure he was thrilled to be there when I had my foot injected and numbed so my toe could be set.  For the record I’ve had two spinals and an epidural and needles in your foot hurt way more than needles in your back.

The resident set my toe and informed me I was the proud (more like disgruntled) owner of a slippery fracture, which meant the breaks were difficult to set and might not hold.  Thankfully an X-ray confirmed all his pulling and jostling had done the job and my toe was relatively straight again.

He confirmed no weight-bearing if I wanted to avoid surgery and chronic foot pain.  He also gave me the good news that I’d be back in a week for a follow-up X-ray just in case my slippery fracture slipped and I needed to have it re-set or pins inserted.

No more F***, just sigh.

For the record, I am a lousy patient.  However in the last seven years I have learned the value of asking for help and felt very grown-up in reaching out to family and close friends.  Instead of focusing what I can’t do, here’s my growing list of current achievements:

• Nursing my baby
• Showering (sitting on a stool, foreshadowing my senior years)
• Getting myself dressed (again sitting and feeling the overwhelming urge for a blue wash)
• Preparing food and eating meals at the counter (reminiscent of my student days).  Carrying food on crutches = massive fail
• Sitting on the floor and couch and playing with my kids.  Singing songs with them and reading.
• Sitting at my computer and continuing to earn a living
• Driving

Perhaps my greatest one-legged accomplishment is that I can still work.  Not outdoors but in my studio I’ve managed to keep up with my sessions with the help of two able-bodied assistants, a low wheeling chair on wheels, a cast resting on a wash cloth so it can slide along the floor when I’m rolling about on my wheelie chair, a tripod, and a chair to kneel on when I shoot standing up.  I’m by no means nimble or graceful but I’m keeping on, keeping on.

And repeating “It’s just a toe!” at least 20 times a day while shaking my head and tripping over my crutches.

“Are you nuts?”
“You’re flying right?”
“Why would you take your kids to New York City?”

Yes we are.  No we’re driving.  Why not?

Our family lives in the suburbs and until recently the extent of our vacationing was cottages and the occasional overnight stay in a hotel.  We spend a lot of time outside and are true country folk at heart so if we can survive a trip to New York City with our kids, you can too.

We’re not nuts.  We visited New York 3 years ago without our kids and had an amazing time: we wanted to share all the things we discovered with our boys.

We drove because it’s ridiculously expensive to fly anywhere with a family of five, especially on a long weekend.

We took them to New York City because despite the budgetary limitations that come with having a work-at-home mom we still want our kids to see the world.  Manhattan is a city to be seen and experienced and we wanted our kids to visit somewhere unlike anywhere else we’ve ever taken them.

On our third day in the city my husband returned from waiting in line at Starbucks and made a somewhat crass but very wise observation

“People in NYC have their sh** together”

If you take nothing else away from this post then at least remember this: get your sh** together before taking your kids to New York City.  It’s a fast-paced, crowded, busy, and oftentimes overwhelming place.  Before you go have a plan, learn the subway system, and know what you want to do and when you’re going to do it.  And for heavens sake before you wait in line for anything know exactly what you want to order or people will scoff and tell you off.

For budgetary reasons we drove from Ottawa to New York.  The trip there took a total of 11 1/2 hours because (a) the battery in our van died in Upstate New York (b) we wanted to take advantage of a large outlet mall in Pennsylvania to outfit the kids for Spring / Summer (c) we have a baby who hates his car seat, necessitating breaks at least every 2 1/2-3 hours.  We left at 4:30 am and got there at 4 pm.

We had a secret weapon in New York in the form of one of my best friends who lived there for 2 years.  She flew over from London England and met us on Friday night at our hotel to spend four days with us.  Did I mention what amazing friends I have?

• Food: We brought an IKEA bag and a cooler bag full of food with us for snacks, quick breakfasts, and to supplement lunches/dinners when our kids weren’t especially interested in what was being offered.  We packed crackers, muffins, granola bars, fresh fruit, cheese, yogurt, applesauce, juice, water, and a host of other snacks that were easy to pack up for the day and dole out during our car ride.
• Hotel: We chose a hotel that was 20 minutes (on foot) from Time Square, 10 minutes from Rockefeller, and about 1/2 an hour from Central Park: we wanted to be close to the places we planned to spend most of our time and not lose valuable time (and kid energy) traveling back and forth.  With tax the room was $280 a night and it was well worth the cost to be so close to the major attractions.  Our room also had a mini fridge and wifi included in the cost: whatever hotel you choose check the ‘extra’s’ carefully as several options I looked at seemed like a good deal until you realized you were paying $15 a day for wifi or a fridge rental.
• Parking: Parking a vehicle in New York is expensive but if you use the the website BestParking.com you can find the cheapest rate at a garage near your hotel.  After discounts I found it no more expensive than parking in downtown Toronto for several days ($20-30 dollars a day)
• Restaurants: Depending on what types of food you want and the restaurants you want to eat at, I suggest making reservations beforehand.  If you don’t know where to eat then ask friends / family who have visited New York or look for restaurants near your hotel (or the areas you’re visiting) and any online reviews.  During the day we chose to eat breakfast and lunch on the go as there are lots of easily accessible and healthy fast food options (Subway, Chop’T).  There was also a lot we wanted to see and do in New York and didn’t want to spend 3-4 hours everyday at sit-down restaurant meals.  One night we ate at Dos Caminos (best guacamole ever) and we spent our last night at Ninja New York.  The Ninja restaurant was one of the definite highlights of the trip for my boys.  The interior of the restaurant is designed like a village in feudal days and you’re served by ninjas who have all sorts of tricks and magic up their sleeves!

Another great thing about New York is that the majority of restaurants deliver or offer take out so if you’d prefer to dine in your hotel room after a busy day, there’s a centralized website that you can order from.

• To stroller or not:  Our boys are 10 months old, 4 1/2 years old and 7 years old.  I have two *think carefully before you travel* caveats and the first is consider carefully how you plan to get around New York.  We took our stroller out on two of the four days when we walked to Central Park and back again and I wouldn’t have wanted the stroller on any of our other adventures.  Umbrella strollers are handy but don’t carry much in the way of bags and shopping and can be a hassle to push through crowds and even fold up and bring onto the subway.  I wore our baby in wraps on my back (and my husband in a carrier on his chest) for most of our trip.  It was much easier to keep track of our older boys without having to worry about a stroller or maneuvering the streets, stores, and Subway.  New York is a pedestrian city and the streets are crowded, which is why even if you have a toddler I would suggest investing in a good baby carrier (Ergo, Beco, Manduca, Boba – not a Bjorn or Snugli) and use that for your trip (practice at home so they’re used to it before you go).  It meant our little one was up where he could see everything and left us hands free to focus on our older boys.  At 25 lbs he’s no light weight but I would frequently take him down when we reached our destination to crawl or cruise, so we could both have a break.  The big boys still took periodic rests in the stroller on the day we had it with us but to make sure we didn’t completely exhaust them we rode the Subway from our hotel to the majority of our destinations so they weren’t too tired when we got there from all the walking.

My second *think carefully before you travel* caveat is whether your kids are ready for New York.  It’s a wonderful city for kids BUT it’s also crowded and busy.  If you have a child who doesn’t like holding hands, has trouble following directions (like staying away from the edge of the Subway platform), or often wanders away, then you might want to wait before planning your trip or make a careful plan with your family about how you’re going to navigate the city safely together.

• Transportation:  Say it with me “the Subway system is my friend”.  Not only is riding the subway really fun for kids, especially when you live in a city that doesn’t have a subway system, it’s affordable and practical when it comes to getting around the city.  We filled up a re-loadable Metro pass with $40 and had only a few dollars left at the end of our stay after using the subway several times a day (our boys traveled free).  Before you go print a copy of the map and figure out where you want to go (from your hotel) and how you can get there.  If you have a smart phone Google maps is an awesome app to use while you’re traveling because it has options to figure out directions on foot and by public transportation.    Just keep in mind that the subway lines run in two directions and so you want to make sure you end up on the right train (you can identify which way they’re going based on their end destination but also by the side of the street they’re traveling under) ($2.50 per person using a Metro card, free for children less than 44 inches tall).

• Central Park:  We went to Central Park on 3 out of the 4 days we were in New York.  Thanks to some awesome tips from another photographer, whose name is also coincidentally Sarah, I printed off a map of Central Park beforehand as she warned me that there are few signs in the park and areas of interest aren’t well marked.  Belvedere castle, Bethesda terrace, Turtle Pond, and Bow bridge are all great for photos (and exploring) and the boys loved Heckscher playground.    We walked from the south end of the park all the way to Belvedere castle and there were plenty of rocks to climb and water edges to explore.  Like most places in New York even Central Park gets chaotically crowded despite it’s size.  If you want to enjoy the true beauty of the park I’d suggest the hours of 8-10 am as we had the place to ourselves and the boys were free to explore without the worry of losing them in the crowd.  By late morning the playgrounds are packed and paths filled with people out enjoying the park (Free)
• Central Park Zoo: Our boys love the Madagascar Movies so a trip to the Central Park zoo was a must!  There isn’t actually a lion, zebra, hippo, or giraffe that live in the zoo but there are lots of penguins (Karate penguins, if you’ve seen the movie), a very cool Sea Lion show, and plenty of other animals for the kids to visit.  I’d budget no more than 2 hours for the trip (Adults are $18, Children are $13 – save 10% when you buy tickets online)

• What to do!  What you do will depend on the ages and interest of your kids but here’s a list of what we visited while we were in New York.  Make sure to check the opening times of your destinations as most places in New York don’t open until 10 am.  We spent from 8 am to 10 am in Central Park and then headed out to our planned destination.  We were usually back in the hotel room from 3-5 for a rest before we went back out for dinner.

FAO Schwarz: An amazing toy store on the south east corner of Central Park.  Home to the piano featured in the movie ‘Big’ as well as amazing displays of toys.  The store itself is a bit of a rabbit warren so prepare to spend more than an hour wandering around.  We gave our boys a budget and then let them figure out what they wanted to spend their money on (Free except resultant damage to your credit card from toy purchases).

• Statue of Liberty: At the request of my eldest son we took the subway all the way down to lower Manhattan because he wanted to see the Statue of Liberty.  You can pay for a tour boat or you can take the Staten Island ferry for free.  When you get to the end of the ferry ride make sure you’re at the front of the boat to run around to the next departing ferry (back to Manhattan, they leave in half hour intervals) so you don’t have to wait.  If you’re lucky there will be coast guard boats with giant guns patrolling the area, which will be a source of endless fascination and entertainment to your boys (Free on the Staten Island Ferry)

• The LEGO Store:  right next to Rockefeller there are some amazing LEGO displays, an opportunity to build their own mini figure, and for $7.99 they can each fill their own container of pieces from the giant wall of LEGO.

• The FDNY Store: Just around the corner from Rockefeller there is a store full of FDNY merchandise as well as a fire truck and kid-size equipment the kids can play with (Free)

•  The American Museum of Natural History: You could spend an entire day (or more) in this amazing museum.  For fun, watch ‘Night at the Museum’ first!  Admission is by donation (they suggest $15 per person), which makes this an affordable destination no matter what the size of your family.  Like most museums there are special exhibits that cost extra but the museum is so large you could spend an entire day in the regular exhibits and not feel short-changed.  My dinosaur lovers thought this was a fabulous museum! ($15 per person or less)

• Time Square: My kids were fascinated by the huge TV screens, the wandering characters (people dress up in costumes and charge a fee to have you take a photo with them), all the Taxi’s and all the noise.  We visited during the day and at night and it’s an interesting experience at all times of the day (Free)

• Broadway: My best friend and I took my oldest son to the see the Lion King (a matinee), his first Broadway show, while we were in New York.  Watching him experience one of Broadway’s sell-out shows was worth every penny of the pricey tickets and I’m so glad he got to have this experience.  If you’re interested in discount tickets for Broadway shows while you’re in New York, you can visit the Ticket Booth in Time Square.  If there’s a show you really want to see I think it’s worth buying the tickets ahead of time as many shows sell out and may not have any tickets left by the time you are there.

Have you been to New York City before?  Any tips or destinations you’d like to share?

“They’re just letting off steam”

“It’s all good fun”

“They have to learn to be tough”

“That’s just the way boys are”

“Boys will be boys”

I am the mother of three boys and I need you to know that I don”t ever want you to excuse my child’s behaviour because of his sex or gender.  Acknowledge that it’s appropriate because of his age.  Recognize that it’s typical because of his developmental stage.  Identify that it’s expected because of cultural and gender norms in North American society.  But do not ever write off what he says and does as “boys will be boys”.  Do not make excuses for my son because he is a boy.

***

If your teenage son found a drunken girl passed out on a couch what would he do?  If he was alone, what would his reaction be?  If he was with a group of friends what would his reaction be?  If he was surrounded by a group of other teens he didn’t know, how would he respond?

My boys are 10 1/2 months old, 4 1/2 years old, and 7 years old and when I parent them now I am parenting them with the same beliefs and values that I plan to parent with when they’re 16.  I want to know that if they ever found a girl drunk and passed out on a sofa that they would seek medical help.  That they would put her in the recovery position and try to find someone who knew her so they could call her parents.  I want to know that irrespective of who is with them at the time, that their reaction is the same and that they don’t fall victim to group think or the pressures of their peers.

At 16 they will make their decisions, many of which I likely won’t agree with but I want to know that for the past 16 years of their life I have parented them in a way that leaves them in the best possible place to make the choices they do.  That the decisions they make are from a place of respect, empathy, and kindness.

If parenting with those values doesn’t start at 10 months then when does it start?  6 years old?  9 years old?  At one point do we stop throwing about the age-old gem “Boys will be boys” to excuse the behaviour of our sons?

***

This Fall there was a letter sent home from school about the behaviour of the Grade 1 boys.  Observing the reaction to the letter, which I shared with family and friends, was fascinating:

“Why didn’t they just send it home to the parents of the problem kids?”

“Why are all the boys being lumped together?”

“Why can’t they see it’s just boys having fun?”

“Why are they singling out the boys?”

“They’re just punishing them because they’re boys!”

The letter addressed several issues and asked parents to start a dialogue with their children about why the behaviours were problematic.  It encouraged parents to model appropriate behaviour and explain why it was important to the school and their respective classes to address these issues.

The boys washroom was being used inappropriately and the custodians were having to clean up multiple messes over the course of the day.

Boys were refusing to work with girls in the classroom.

Boys were using ‘potty’ language to talk to each other and in reference to their peers.

I wasn’t surprised by the letter given what I’d observed in my son’s junior kindergarten and then senior kindergarten class.  “Girls are slower / dumber / not as good as boys.  Boys can’t wear nail polish / pink / purple, it’s only for girls.  You are stupid / dumb / an idiot”.

The letter had nothing to do with punishment and everything to do with talking to our sons about respecting private property.  About respecting our peers.  About respecting people who are different than you.   I sat both my boys down and read the letter to them.  Then we talked about how you use a washroom and why it’s not okay to engage in the behaviours outlined in the letter.  We talked about boys and girls and about what prejudice and sexism are.  We also talked about potty words and how they’re funny but why the words can also be hurtful.  How private words are used to make fun of people, to make them feel sad and scared.  That making fun of people with your words or using your words to embarrass / isolate / hurt people is just as bad as punching / kicking / pinching.

If the behaviours at age 6 aren’t a problem because “boys will be boys” then at what point do we worry about our sons disrespecting their peers, the school, and their teachers?  In Grade 2 do we start to talk to them about respect, prejudice, sexism, and kindness?  Do we wait until Grade 4?  Are the teen years the best time to start addressing behaviours that at 6 were just ‘boys being boys’ but at 13 are verging on harassment and defamation of property?

Why is a 6 year old being chased by his peers and hit repeatedly, even after he yells no, just ‘boys being boys’ and not bullying and harassment?

Why is a 6 year old telling female peers they’re stupid and dumb ‘boys being boys’ but not sexism?

Why is a 6 year old breaking the rules in his classroom (respecting his peers, respecting the class, respecting his teacher) just ‘boys being boys’ and not a worrying trend?

We expect grown men to be respectful, kind, and empathetic but if those seeds aren’t planted young how can we expect those qualities to develop and grow?

***

“Well it’s not my kid”

“My son would never do that”

“I know exactly who the problem is: why don’t they just focus on him?”

“You can’t expect boys to behave like girls, it’s ridiculous”

My boys will at some point engage in some, if not all, of the behaviours outlined in the letter. Not because they are boys but because they are children who are testing their limits and who are learning to separate themselves from their parents and identifying more and more with their peers.  That is why I talk to my sons about sexism.  About respect.  About prejudice.  About bullying.  About harassment.  I worry about respect and kindness and empathy now because if I don’t worry about it now, by the time it’s a concern it will likely be too late.

The next time your son is ‘being a boy’ think: how would I feel if he was doing this at age 8?  Age 10?  Age 13?  Age 18.

***

“Boys will be human”.  They will make mistakes (a lot).  They will be unkind and disrespectful.  They will hurt other people with their words and their actions.  They will do these things because they are human beings and not because they are boys.

This update in Annie’s feed caught my attention late this week and I wanted to throw my hat in the ‘how you equal parent’ ring.

How we share parenting and household responsibilities now, seven years into parenting, looks quite different from how our family of three started out.  Three kids, a move, and a career change later, we are just finding our groove as a family of five.

I graduated from University with a Bachelors degree and a Master’s degree as well as a professional title (Counsellor).  I worked full-time in my field for 18 months before I went off on paid maternity leave with our first son.  The year before he arrived was spent readjusting our budget and cutting our expenses in anticipation of our needs as a family of three but also to allow me to return to work part-time if I decided that was the best decision for all of us at the end of my maternity leave.  I didn’t even make the full 12 months before resigning from my full-time position and accepting a part-time job in community mental health.  My new position allowed me to work from home the majority of the time as well as schedule my own hours, meaning my son was only in daycare 1-2 days a week, depending on my schedule.  I enjoyed the benefits of being a stay-at-home parent while also keeping up with my professional credentials and ensuring that I didn’t have a gap in my resume.  I was also responsible for housework, cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping.  My husband was fully capable of any and all tasks I wanted to share with him but I was happy to get the household jobs done during the day so that when he got home from work we could spend our time enjoying our family instead of powering through chores.  When my husband was home at the end of the day (and on weekends) we shared the parenting responsibilities equally.

When our second son arrived I did not have the benefit of paid maternity leave and returned to work part-time when he was 5 weeks old.  I brought him with me or left him with my parents, depending on the nature of my work (meetings, in the office, presentations etc).  I worked while the boys were napping in the afternoon or when my eldest son was at preschool (3 days a week) and my little one was sleeping in the mornings.  I caught up on any missed work during the evenings, and sometimes weekends, the benefit being that we didn’t have to pay for child care and I was still enjoying my time at home with my kids.  I still kept up with the household jobs because it was something I enjoyed but also, from my perspective, an additional contribution to our income.  By giving my husband the flexibility to focus on his career, it meant a better pay cheque and secure benefits, something my job with a non-profit organization didn’t provide.

When my middle son was two we made the decision to move to a slightly bigger home in a new neighbourhood with better schools.  Six months later I abruptly  made the decision to leave my job.  While the first decision was well planned and budgeted for, the second wasn’t and despite the stress related to changing career paths after six years of post-secondary education it’s still the best ‘risky’ decision I’ve ever made .

I started a photography business out of my home and for the first year focused on growing my business.  I was still responsible for household duties but, once again, continued to share parenting duties with my husband, with the exception of a few tasks like sick days (since I worked from home), doctor’s appointments, and weekday lessons/classes for the kids.  Because my job entails weekend and evening work (as did my previous career), he got used to the dinner time, bath time, and weekend routine on his own .  For the first year I worked an average of 20 hours a week and spent the rest of the time taking care of our household and my kids.  I had a caregiver that came to us less than 10 hours a week but that schedule depended on my workload and the season.

As we celebrated the first anniversary of my business I was entering the second trimester of pregnancy with our third son. This coincided with an increase in hours of work (40-50  a week) as well as flagging patience and energy.  During my pregnancy my husband took over grocery shopping duties and we split the housework.  For the first time in our relationship (as parents) I was working nearly full-time hours and could no longer manage the household and my career on my own.

Before my son was born I took a month off work and another month after his birth.  I returned to work (slowly) and by September (four months after he was born) was back to full-time hours.  The pay-off to having worked so hard for the previous two years was that we were able to hire a house cleaner who comes once a week, which means we no longer have to worry about routine housework on evenings and weekends.  We also spent two months looking for a caregiver as our previous nanny had graduated from University and returned home.  The process of trying to find someone to care for your 4 month old baby was horrifically stressful but it was worth the wait because we are grateful everyday for the young woman we found.   I can hand over my baby without a second thought or worry about how he’ll cope, or be cared for, when I’m working.  One of the biggest challenges we’ve faced is that our youngest doesn’t take a bottle.  If I were on maternity leave this wouldn’t be a problem but returning to work when he was only one month old meant I’ve had to arrange my schedule around his feedings.  We initially had significant problems breastfeeding (double lip tie and tongue tie, all three were lasered when he was 2 weeks old), which meant my focus during the first two months was on establishing a good latch and healthy breastfeeding relationship.  By the time we felt comfortable introducing the bottle he had no interest in taking it and since that time I have arranged my work schedule so that I’m not unavailable for more than 3 hours at a time.  The biggest challenge is when I’m out on shoots and there have been several occasions that my husband has brought my baby to me to nurse.  When I’m working in the studio it’s a lot easier as my longest session is 3 hours and I can nurse him immediately before and afterwards.  There was one occasion that I needed to be at a shoot for 5+ hours and so I made arrangements (with the lovely families I was photographing) to have my nanny and son come with me.  Our baby room-shared with us until he was 7 months old and after two bad ear infections is now exclusively co-sleeping.  It means I’m well rested but it definitely presents challenges at nap/bed time.  More often than not in the afternoons I will wrap him on my back until he falls asleep and then transfer him to the bed in my office.  Thankfully at nights, if I’m not here to nurse or wear him to sleep, he’ll quite happily doze off in my husbands arms.  My dad and step-mom, who help out when we need it, are also more than happy to rock him to sleep and our nanny has become adept at getting things done with a sleeping baby in her arms.  Only in the last month has he refused to nap anywhere but on someone and I suspect once he’s through this round of major milestones (crawling, clapping, pointing, separation anxiety) that we’ll be able to return to an easier sleep routine.

I work three out of four Saturdays a month (usually 8-12 hour days) and on the weekend days that I work my husband will take the boys to a museum or on another outing, sometimes he’ll run errands, or take them to play with a family member or friend.  Depending on the length of my shoots we’ll connect in the late morning so I can nurse my littlest and we can make plans for the rest of the day.  Sundays are set aside for time spent together as a family.

I do all the night time parenting so in the mornings my husband gets up with the kids, makes lunches for school, and gets my oldest son on the bus.  When he leaves for work around 8 I’m usually up, showered, and have the remaining family members dressed.  Two mornings a week our nanny is with us from 8-12 and I will either be editing in my home office or have sessions in my home studio.  On the mornings she’s not there I either have play dates, activities, or outings with my middle and little.  In the afternoons my middle son is at kindergarten so I usually have a two hour window when the baby is napping that I can get more work done.  I also work out twice a week with a personal trainer who, thankfully, is flexible when it comes to my chaotic schedule.  I see her when my nanny is here, when my baby is napping, if I can get my dad to come and spend some time with his youngest grandson, or at night once my husband is home.  In the afternoons when the boys get home I do homework and get dinner prepped (5 out of 7 nights a week).  My husband typically takes the kids to evening activities (swimming, skating) so that I can work while they’re out of the house.  We eat dinner together every night and spend time playing afterwards and 1/3 of the time do the bath/bed routine together while 2/3 of the time it’s one of us managing the post-dinner chaos on our own.

Since most of my close friends are also moms I see them during the week on play dates and at least once a week I’ll go out with friends in the evening. Two to three nights a week my husband traipses across the street to a neighbors where a group of friends congregate on a regular basis in the ‘man cave’ that’s been built in the garage.  During the summer it wasn’t an uncommon sight for our brand new baby to be fast asleep in one of my husband’s friends arms while they all sat around enjoying a few beers.  A win-win on all fronts because my husband was getting time away to enjoy himself and I also had a few uninterrupted hours after my older boys went to sleep.

I could not have the career I do (and love) without the support of my husband.  When I leave the house I’ll often leave notes about what needs to be done (turning on the dishwasher, feeding the cats) but they’re rarely related to parenting or our children because he’s played an equal part in raising them.  We parent with the same values but in different ways and I know our relationship (marital and parenting) works well because we give each other the space to parent how we’re most comfortable.  I would not still be working full-time and exclusively breastfeeding our son if I didn’t have a partner who was willing to bring my baby to me to nurse on the occasions I couldn’t make it home because of my job.  I also wouldn’t have a successful business if I didn’t have an equal partner because when I’m working or when I leave the house for work I’m not worrying or wondering how he’ll cope or what disaster I’ll face when I get home.  I have learned to prioritize what’s important to me (my family, my career, my friends) and find ways to delegate time goblins that aren’t (housework).  I have learned to share my mothering responsibilities with other people (our nanny, family members, friends) because it means my children are nurtured, loved and cared for even when I can’t be there.

One of my biggest fears when I had our third son was about missing out on too much of his first year of life because I wasn’t eligible for maternity leave and would be returning to work so soon after his birth.  Because of breastfeeding, even when I work a 12 hour day, I’m not away from him for more than 3-4 hours.  When he’s not with me he’s being loved and well cared for but because of our nursing relationship I have the chance to reconnect with him throughout the day no matter how chaotic my schedule is.  Those 15-30 minute breaks are a necessity to him as much as they are to me.  Because of baby wearing I have the chance to reconnect with him even when he’s tired or asleep.  I don’t have to fight to get him to go down for a nap or to bed because within 5-15 minutes of having him on my back, he’s asleep and breathing softly on my neck.  I don’t waste time feeling frustrated about how he should be sleeping or fighting his sleep patterns and habits because wearing him on my back until he falls asleep works for both of us.  Owning my own business and working from home means additional stress in our lives but the trade-off, being home with my children and there for snuggles or a play break, is well worth the long hours and pressure.  Having a husband who co-parents means I have the support of another equal parent, which allows me to have a career that I love as well as friendships and hobbies outside of my role as a mother.  Our relationship and how we parent has evolved as our family has changed and that gives me so much excitement about what the future holds for all five of us.

MOVE.

{Move over. Move around! Make your move. 

Something in the way he moves me…. Don’t move a muscle. Make the first move.}

Cats water bowl: for swimming in
The blue humidifier: push, shove, dump
The uncooked rice: nom, nom, nom
Same goes for paper, petrified crumbs.
Into your mouth, hidden inside cheeks.
The baby gates? Rattle, rattle, heave.

Off went the tablecloth (and dishes)
The floor vent: out it came.
LEGO pried from your clasped fingers,
The cat narrowly escaped your grasp.
Chubby hands racing, knees sliding quickly:
Baby you are on the move!

You’re seven years old today.
Seven.

On February 27th we will always celebrate your birthday but quietly I will also celebrate my birthing day: the day you came into the world and I became a mother.

When I look at photos of you from your last birthday I can still see traces of toddlerhood: a slightly rounded face, the remnants of your Buddha belly. Now there is nothing but ‘boy’ standing in front of me. Your face is lean, your body lanky. I realized this week that when you lie in the tub your head and feet touch the ends. How did you get so tall?

The year leading up to 7 has been monumental.

Your baby brother was born and we went from a family of 4 to a family of 5. When you came to see us in the hospital you circled the bed, uncertain and cautious. But any doubts I had melted away when you held him at home for the first time. Your love for him is so powerful that it takes my breath away. You are kind and patient and you take such good care of him without being asked. When he cries, you go to him. When he needs attention, you get down on the floor and play with him. Even though there is six years between you, you find ways to include him in your play. You read him stories, you snuggle him, and you love him so openly and enthusiastically that it melts my heart. How did you get to be so nurturing?

You started grade 1 and now spend more waking hours away from me than you do with me.  It was an adjustment for both of us but you were ready, as was I.  You can now read and speak in French.  I fear that your math skills will soon surpass mine.  You are making friends, slowly and cautiously, and we’re working (together) on having less disdain for your peer’s antics.  Having a son who is an old soul is a wonderful thing but we’re learning that it’s rarely an asset in Grade 1.  You are keen, doggedly persistent, and want to understand everything around you.  How did you get to be so smart?

You learned, the hard way, that not everyone is kind and that relationships don’t last forever.  The past year was one of the most difficult for our entire family and when 2012 ended we nearly shouted ‘good riddance’.  You watched your mom and dad muddle through complicated circumstances.  You saw a lot of hurt and emotion.  We protected you from the worst of it but we also talked honestly and openly about what everything meant to our family.  You asked thoughtful questions.  You needed reassurance.  You retold our story, clarifying in your own mind what these changes meant to you.  You were sad and brave and scared all at once.  How did you become so resilient?

You discovered a passion for dance and that you don’t have two left feet.  Dance to whatever beat you hear in your heart.  Close your eyes to what’s going on around you and dance towards ‘happy’.

You have a new found love (obsession?) with Star Wars.  Get lost in the fantasy.  Go wild with your imagination.  Discover a world outside suburbia where you will spend most of your days.

Your sense of humour is developing into something sarcastic, a bit dry, and at times, hilariously silly.  Laugh until you’re convulsing in silence because something is just that funny.  Drown out the ‘blah’ in your life with laughter.

You developed an interest in music and embraced the piano lessons that I dreaded as a child.  Learn to play the tunes you love but don’t forget to write your own.  I say music will feed your soul and your dad said it’ll make high school easier so keep both of our advice in mind.  When you are hurt or angry or confused follow the notes on the page or write your own melody.

You are still a little boy but you’re not.

You’re no longer shy, just confident and friendly.

You’re no longer reserved, just outgoing.

You no longer trail behind us, peeking out to see if it’s safe, but run ahead, leading the way.

I can’t wait to see what the next year brings for you.

Happy birthday my love.

You know what’s amazing…

I had an idea.  An actual clear-headed ‘ooh that would be cool’ idea.  Given my current state of sleep deprivation this is impressive.

You know what’s even more amazing…

I followed through on the idea with a plan and from my plan a tradition was born.

Now in May when I’m kicking myself for starting a new tradition that will wreak even more havoc on our jam packed week of late-May birthdays (the Monkey and Baby Duck’s birthdays are five days apart) please remind me what an awesome idea this is.  When the kids are into double-digits and I’m wracking my brain for ’10 days of’ and ’15 days of’ please remind me how much they appreciate my efforts.

Birthdays are a big deal around here and now that our biggest is getting bigger I wanted to do something to commemorate and celebrate the person he’s becoming.  As his personality and sense of self continue to emerge I’m (daily) in awe of who he is and even though seven years is a pretty cool thing to celebrate I wanted something that would focus on why we love and adore him so much.

This is the reason that ‘X days of you!’ was born.  Day 7 this year will be on the firefighter’s birthday but for everyday leading up to that I’ve written a note to him with a characteristic or trait that we love about him and why.  Accompanying that is a gift that fosters/represents/embodies that trait or characteristic.  Not only does it spread out the birthday fun but it’s been a time of reflection for me as we approach his birthday and I’m smacked in in the face (repeatedly) with the realization that I have an almost-seven year old.

On Day 1 we celebrated his Persistence with a 300 piece puzzle.  We spent an hour together on the floor working on it together and I realized that I’m a closet puzzle fiend.

On Day 2 we celebrated his intelligence with a math game.  It won’t be long before my homework supervision days are over and I’ll be shipping him off to Grandpa’s for math homework help.  The way his mind processes numbers astonishes me.

Day 3 was about how logical he is (my little engineer) and he spent the morning assembling special Star Wars paper airplanes with his Dad and Grandpa.  He follows instructions and directions better than both his parents.

On Day 4 I presented him with a book filled with step by step instructions on how to draw Star Wars figures (anyone seeing a theme).  He’s incredibly artistic and loves recreating what he sees around him.

Day 5 was about his kindness and big heart and a perfectly timed gift of a small stuffed Yoda.  Day 5 was a double-whammy since I’ve always said he’s an old soul.

On Day 6 we’ll celebrate my sweet boy who will always be little and mine (even when he’s taller than me and old enough to drive a car) because this is how I want to remember him.  To celebrate sweet: candy.

On Day 7, his actual birthday, we’ll celebrate everything about him that we love: his sense of humour, his industriousness, his wicked dance moves, his hysterically funny silent laugh, his quiet thoughtfulness.

We’ve both taken the day off work.  Neither of the boys will go to school.  We’ll spend the day together as a family, as we always do on birthdays, and he’ll choose a family activity and a restaurant for his birthday lunch.

And amidst the excitement over gifts and cake I’ll remember that seven years ago this not-so-little-anymore boy made me a mom and hey-kid-you’re-awesome fun aside, that alone is worth celebrating for 365 days a year, not just 7.